


If I Could Tell Her

by igottoomuchwriting



Series: A Twist on Some DEH Songs [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Sephora headcanon, Talking about feelings and shit, hair petting, slight angst, you can rip this headcanon from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 08:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13700484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igottoomuchwriting/pseuds/igottoomuchwriting
Summary: Zoe doesn't believe that anything Connor says or does is gonna stick. Evan is determined to prove her wrong.





	If I Could Tell Her

    It was August after senior year. Connor and Evan have both long been graduated, and have been focusing on their relationship and helping each other heal mentally. They urge each other to go see their counselor when it gets to be too much on one day, remind each other to take their medication, have ringtones set for when the other calls, and have given each other a copy of the keys to their houses.  
    If you asked Connor, he would say that the focus is on both of them equally. They both have tried commiting suicide, both struggled with anxiety, and had “daddy issues”. If you asked Evan, you would receive a different answer.  
    Evan makes sure that the attention is mainly on Connor. Evan has a better support system, has been going to counseling for a long time, and has been on medicine just as long. Connor didn’t have these things while growing up, and was only able to start when he was 18, so Evan is always worried about his mental health more than his own. He wants to make sure that he has the love and support he needs to get better.  
    This is how he is shopping with the one and only, Zoe Murphy.  
Zoe and Connor’s relationship isn’t the best. When Connor smoked weed to calm himself down, he would have a crash. All the emotions that he was trying to ignore - sad, angry, hurt - came back all at once. It just so happened that when these crashes happened, Zoe was the one who was around, causing him to lash at her and threaten her.  
Even though Connor has been getting better and has stopped smoking weed, their relationship doesn’t seem to be getting any better.  
    “What’s on your mind, Evan? You have been really quite,” Zoe asked. They were sitting in the food court at the mall, eating some fairly large tacos from a new Mexican food vendor that opened up recently.  
    Evan snapped his eyes up from his phone, stopping mid-text.  
    “Oh, um…” He looked around the food court, avoiding Zoe’s eyes and fidgeting with the bottom of Connor’s jacket that he had stolen.  
    “What is with you and Connor’s relationship?” Zoe’s face shifted from caring into neutral, and Evan immediately tried to rephrase. “I mean! Not-Not in a bad way, it has been getting better! And I know it’s not my place to ask, I was just worried? He has just been trying so hard to make it up to you? And I’m not saying that you have to become the best sibling’s overnight, I know that’s not possible. If you asked my to do that with my dad, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m sorry, that’s a horrible analogy, you and Connor’s relationship is nothing close between the relationship my dad and I had. It was insensitive for me to say that, I’m sorry, I just-”  
    “Evan!” Evan stopped talking and snapped his eyes up to meet hers. “I’m not mad, that questions just took me a little off guard.”  
    “I’m sorry.” Zoe just smiled a kind smile, knowing that him saying sorry was almost like a nervous tick.  
    The smile immediately dropped.  
    “Can I be honest with you?” her eyes dropped down to her food. Evan stayed silent and Zoe took this as a sign to continue.  
    “Well, it’s just…” she sighed and ran her fingers through the ends of her hair. “I don’t trust him. I know that seems like an insensitive thing to say, but he has done this before. It seems like he is getting better, he tries to make amends with me, and then the next day he is beating on my door, screaming he’ll kill me! Do you know how terrifying that is?” Evan quickly shook his head.  
    “I just don’t believe that he actually cares about me. He does this just so he can show mom and dad that he is getting better, then goes and backstabs everyone. I just don’t think I can trust him anymore.”  
    Evan didn’t know what to say. Out of all the scenarios of what she could have said popped into his head, this was - surprisingly - not one of them. Evan knew that Connor had been getting better. He would call Evan everytime he wanted to smoke weed and when he wanted to hurt himself, giving Evan a chance to help him find healthy alternatives.  
    Before Evan could think of anything to say, Zoe looked at her phone and cursed.  
    “Shit, I have to go meet a friend.” She quickly gathered up all her things and threw away her trash. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”  
    “Y-yeah!” With one last smile, Zoe threw her bag over her shoulder and walked out the doors. Evan watched her go with a sigh, going over their whole conversation.  
    Throwing away his trash, Evan head to the Sephora in the mall.

    Connor had just gotten off of work, so Evan was waiting outside for him. Without meaning too, the couple had made a routine of the weekends. Evan has Friday through Sunday off, and Connor has Saturday and Sunday, and it became habit for Evan to wait for him at the end of his shift, and then they usually spend the weekend at Evan’s house. As much as Connor and his parents have been trying to rebuild their relationship, Connor still needs a break from time to time. And what better place than his boyfriend’s house?  
    “Hey, Earth to Tree boy.” Evan snapped out of his thoughts to see Connor standing in front of him, hair down in messy waves and tired look in his eyes.  
    “Oh! I’m sorry, I was just thinking, you weren’t standing here too long? I didn’t mean to ignore you,” he stuttered out, lightly playing with the bottom of his shirt. Connor gave him a tired smile and shrugged.  
    “Nah, i just got out here. The girls were trying to get me to keep on my makeup, but I informed them that I have a reputation to uphold.” Evan smiled and they started the walk back to Connor’s car, hand in hand.  
    “Yes, and that reputation is being upheld very well while working at Sephora.” Connor loudly shushed him.  
    “Reputation!” Laughter filled the space around them as the both got into the car.

* * *

  
    “You don’t… hate her, right?”  
    “Hate who?” The couple was sitting in Evan’s room, listening to music and relaxing. They both had a stressful week. Between work, mental health, and family time, they hadn’t been able to talk to each other and destress. Evan knew that was how they were supposed to use this time, but the question was eating him away on the inside.  
    “Zoe.” Connor gave him a horrified look.  
    “No! Of course not! How could I hate her?”  
    “I-I don’t know, it was just a thought. But, um, what do you mean?” Connor pursed his lips.  
    “She’s perfect, Evan.” He can’t exactly say that the fact that Connor thought this was a surprise.  
    Evan quietly pulled out his phone and opened up his camera, hitting record, then placed it back on the bed, out of view.  
    “How is she perfect?” Connor sighed and laid down, placing his head in Evan’s lap.  
    “Have you seen her smile?” Evan furrowed his eyebrows, but nodded his head. “It’s subtle, but real. Everytime. She never pretends to be happy, and I don’t think she knows how great the makes people feel.” Evan started running his fingers through Connor’s hair.  
    He continued, “She is a dreamer.”  
    “What do you mean?”  
    “When she gets bored, especially when I drive the car, she sits with her foot on her thigh, and starts drawing on her jeans.” Evan chuckled, silently agreeing - he’s seen her do that in the middle of class. “It’s like the stars represent going somewhere more, somewhere far away.” He was silent for a few seconds before he continued. “I’m probably reading too much into it.”  
    “It, uh, it seems like it’s possible.” Connor nodded.  
    “Did you know she could dance?” Evan shook his head. “She loves to dance. It doesn’t matter where she is or who is around, she just… dances. And it’s like the world disappears when she does.”  
    “You notice a lot,” Evan commented softly, keeping his gaze on Connor. Connor hummed and closed his eyes. It was silent for minutes, and Evan was starting to believe that he had fallen asleep. He reached behind him to turn off the recording when Connor began again.  
    “No one believes that she is a little but of a rebel.”  
    “Zoe?”  
    “Oh yeah. Those streaks she put in her hair? Both my parents said no, but she went to a friend’s house and got them done anyway.” Evan barked out a laugh.  
    “How’d they react?”  
    “Oh, they were pissed,” he held out the ‘i’, genuine smile on his face. “They thought I put her up to it.” Evan grimaced, but stayed silent.  
    “I saw her with them. She looked nice.”  
    “Yeah, she looked really pre- pretty cool,” he quickly corrected, causing Evan to raise an eyebrow.  
    “Really pretty cool?”  
    “You heard what I said, Hansen.”  
    “You can call your sister pretty, Connor. It’s not weird.” Connor said nothing, so Evan decided to drop it.  
    “She fills out those quizzes.”  
    He has got to stop saying more after minutes of silence. “What quizzes?”  
    “You know, the ones in those magazines? The really girly teenage ones?”  
    “How do you know that?”  
    “You see things after years of being shunned.” Evan stopped playing with his hair and stared at Connor with a hurt and worried gaze, though Connor would not meet his eyes. “Don’t start. Please.” he plead. Evan stared at him for a while longer, then nodded his head.  
    “Okay.” Silence once again. Evan knew he would have edit the audio so there wouldn’t be these weird pauses confusing Zoe.  
    “I think you should tell her.” Connor snapped up into a sitting position, eyes wide.  
    “Tell her?”  
    “Well, I mean, yeah, uh… You said she doesn’t know, right? And-and maybe she would like… maybe like to know, that you think these about her.” Connor scoffed and shook his head.  
    “Yeah, she probably would, but there’s no way she will know.”  
    “Wh-Why do you say that?”  
    “How could I tell her? It’s like there’s this,” he angrily throws his hands in the air, looking for the right word, “divide? A great divide. Almost like this invisible barrier that stops us from getting close.” Connor shakes his head chuckling. “The emotional connection between us is too damaged to repair.”  
    “No it’s not!” Evan yelled. Connor gave him a surprised look, and he immediately looked at the ground. “I-I mean, she, she may really want to talk to you. What if she is just as lonely as you are - but I’m not saying that it’s a competition! I just think that maybe because you guys are siblings, that you should try to repair the relationship? It’s obviously not my place to tell you what to do, cause I don’t have any siblings that I need to get along with or try to fix relationships with. Unless maybe if you count my step-siblings, but I haven’t met them in general so I still don’t have-”  
    “Evan.” Evan snapped his mouth shut and cautiously glances at Connor, mumbling an apology. Connor smiled and placed a small kiss on Evan’s lips. “I understand you are worried about Zoe and I’s relationship, which is cute-” Evan glares and hits Connor on the arm, “-but you don’t need to worry. Whatever happens to our relationship will happen.”  
    Evan pursed his lips. He grabs his phone and shuts off the recording and stares at the ground again, unable to bring himself to look Connor in the eyes.  
    “Okay.” Connor grabs Evan’s hand and pulls him down onto his chest as they lay down.  
    “Come on, let’s go to sleep. I gotta make up lost time from talking to teenage girls.”

* * *

 

    Evan sat in Zoe’s room, waiting anxiously. He had texted the teen that he needed to talk, so she sent him to her room while she picked some stuff for her parents. With all this time to think, Evan was starting to regret doing this.  
    What if Connor finds that he recorded their conversation? Would he get mad? What if he came home while they were listening to it and got the wrong idea? What if Zoe thinks this is all some prank, and Evan ends up driving the space in the siblings’ relationship even farther, causing Connor to break up with him because he was trying to do it on his own and he messed it up, causing the Murphys’ to hate him and Connor will be alone with nowhere to go if tension in his family gets bad and - Oh God, what if he-  
    “Hey!” a voice interrupts his thoughts. Evan snapped his head up and save Zoe at the door. “What’s up? You wanted to talk?”  
    “Uh, y-yeah!” She closed the door behind her and sat down next to Evan. “So, um, you-you knew how we talked about you and Connor’s relationship, right?” Her face seemed to drop, but not inherently upset. Good start. “Well, I talked to him about it and I recorded it, but he has no idea I recorded so this isn’t staged. He talks about things he’s noticed and his feelings and-” He cuts himself off, shoving his phone in Zoe’s direction. “Just listen.” She glanced down at the phone and back to Evan. She grabbed the device and hit play.  
    Evan doesn’t know how much time passed, but by the end, Zoe was close to tears. They sat in silence, neither of them knowing how to break the silence. Evan wanted to comfort her, but he has never experienced anything like this before, so he doubts anything he would say would help.  
    “I never knew he noticed anything,” she whispered. “And, a barrier? Is that why he doesn’t talk to me?” Evan shuffled awkwardly, deciding to neither confirm or deny anything.  
    She was silent for a few moments. “I’m not perfect.”  
    “You’re pretty close.”  
    “How?” she grilled, voice cracking.  
    “Well, um, if you compare yourself to Connor and I, we have anxiety and Connor has depression - though I wouldn’t be surprised if he has something else too - you seem… flawless. There’s nothing wrong with you. Or maybe there is, and we just don’t know it- and I’m not saying mental disorders are wrong or make you anything less, it’s just… If you look at it from Connor’s point of view,” he diverted eye contact and coughed, throat feeling dry. “You are… pretty perfect.” Zoe barked out a laugh and shook her head.  
    “I didn’t think he noticed anything.”  
    “He noticed more than you think.”  
    “He liked the streaks?”  
    “Oh, he seemed, uh, really happy that you rebelled against your parents.”  
    “Kinda like I was following in his footsteps?” Evan smiled and nodded in silent agreement. They sat in silence again, but this time, it was comfortable.  
    “Can you send me this?” She asked. Evan quickly agreed and prepared the text message.  
    “I should, uh, get going. Connor is getting off work soon.”  
    “Yeah, sure!”  
    Zoe walked him to the front door, stopping him at the door.  
    “Thank you, Evan. Really. I think… I think this will really help our relationship.” Evan smiled and with one last hug, they went their separate ways.

**Author's Note:**

> I read some headcanon that Connor was really good at make up and worked at Sephora and I love so viola you are stuck with it too. Also, forgive the weird spacing in beginning. The tab button wasn't working how it should.  
> Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my story! I do take constructive critisum. Kudos and comments would be appreciated!  
> Follow me on Tumblr and see other writing I do! - (ill... get back to you when I get my account back)


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